Mozart trumps the bum trumpet!

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This is perhaps one of my favourite subjects of all that I have posted on this particular blog. According to those wonderful QI people Mozart supposedly kept a fart diary. How fartastic is that and how did they get wind of it? I’m not sure how I have missed this little snippet about Mozart’s bum symphonies as there are references all over the internet.

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In a, hopefully jokey, letter to his mother he allegedly wrote “Yesterday, though, we heard the king of farts/ It smelled as sweet as honey tarts/ While it wasn’t in the strongest of voice/ It still came on as a powerful noise.” Perhaps we should refer to him as Mofart in future.

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I’d like to know what he recorded in his fart diary. Was it volume, tunefulness, length, stench maybe other people’s reactions. What do you think? I’m also curious, is there anyone out there who has done or currently keeps a fart diary? OK I recognise that I might have just cued a bunch of flatulence fetishists to comment but fart be it from me to judge them!

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Did it influence his writing I wonder?

Symphony number 2 (geddit?) in B Fart minor

Concerto for trumpet (presumably the bum trumpet!)

Cosi Fart Tutte

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My dog has no nose…..

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…how does he smell? Terrible! Those old jokes are somewhat crap aren’t they? Anyway  noses and smelling is something I learned about a few weeks ago whilst on a night out in Leeds with my great mate John Williams. yes we had a scintillating conversation about the inability to smell. We are so hardcore! Anyway if you are unable to use your sense of smell it is a recognised condition known as Anosmia. The only time that would be any good for me would be when a particularly ripe fart occurs when I am in the car on my own. The sort that requires you to open a window whatever the weather. does anyone reading this suffer from Anosmia?

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Hienz Fartler!

Hands up if you just farted

It appears that none other than Adolf Hitler’s medical records are up for auction at a Connecticut auction house. He supposedly snorted cocaine for a sinus problem (I suppose it could clear your sinuses but remove your septum) and took up to 28 drugs in one hit. Surely that is more than the joint drug ingestion of Pete Doherty, Ozzy Osbourne, Amy Winehouse and Elvis Presley!

Adolf also injected bull testicle extracts to increase his libido. Surely that must be bollocks mustn’t it? But the best revelation of Mr Hitler’s medical records is that he had a serious problem with flatulence and farted uncontrollably. Maybe that was a secret gas weapon he was developing?

It looks like he had a bladder problem too

Did any other despots and dictators have a fart problem or any kind of embarrassing health issues? I’d love to know.

There you have it, proof that Hitler was developing a poison gas weapon of ass destruction!

Now let us enjoy a couple of Hitler fart videos. Fart jokes are always funny aren’t they?

And the wind cries farty!

Imagine stripping down to these of in front of someone on a first date.

I never believed that it was possible to hide a fart (in fact I still don’t). However I have just found some pretty old news (from 2007) on the Sun website (I arrived there by accident ok!) about an US underwear manufacturer that has produced some underwear called Under-Ease which uses an airtight design and replaceable filter to eliminate the odour of noxious farts. To me they look a little like incontinence pants for farts.

Are there any underpants available that would stop the mighty Johnny Fartpants?

Read about them in the Sun by clicking here or on UnderTec’s website by clicking here. I have always said that the moment I become mature is when fart jokes are no longer funny. I am pleased to say that is a moment that has so far not arrived. So what is the definition of a surprise? A fart with a lump in it 😉